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01.09.2006

Actually, there is no news at the moment!

Shorts

It's just a series of days and moments....where you continue knowing more than you did yesterday. The smart ones learn and work towards becoming themselves. The silly ones continue ignoring themselves and attempt to become something else, someone else.

Daily Confusion

I don't want to complain about my life or question why things are the way they are, but I can't help but think that I'm doing so much wrong, yet so much right at the same time. I feel like I lost my drive to excel, yet right now I'm excelling,. In the past weeks, I've reached so many goals, but now I feel like I'm unable to do the work to make sure they happen. Area All State has seating auditions, and I'm not nearly ready. I have to memorize 184 lines for the play, and I really don't know when I will have the time. Meanwhile, I have the right criteria for colleges, but I haven't even looked at an application. On top of all this I have regular school work, and college classes. What the fuck am I doing?

I feel like I was just plopped down on earth with too much information, but no guidelines on how to use it. So I'm using everything blindly with no goal in mind.

And while all of this craziness happens at the same time, I still have to endure the regular drama of teenage retardedness.

I'm going to do College apps this weekend, somehow, even though I have ACTs tomorrow, tons of schoolwork, and community service. Even though, I have no clue what I want or what I'm doing.

*sigh*

I'm back...for now

I lost interest in livejournal two years ago, and yesterday, I remembered I still had an account. So I'm back for the timebeing.

I reread all of my journal entries from 2005, and it is amazing how one's life can change in 2 years, yet still be so much the same. I still write the same way, I still think the same way, but now, I think about things with a different attitude and I focus my thoughts on different subjects.

I've grown and changed so much internally, but outside, I am the same. The obstacles I faced before, are no longer obstacles for me. I have new ones. Somewhat scarier ones. This might not make any sense.

I'm not sure who I'm writing to by writing on here. I think that's why I stopped before. I write to clear my own head, therefore, why does it have to be publicized on the internet. I'm not sure I want feedback on all of my thoughts. I'm not sure I want to be so exposed.

But writing on here, somehow empowers the writer. Writers can voice what they want to say, and have confidence that someone else is reading it, somewhere. It makes them feel like they have a voice.

So here I am again, writing to the unknown, sending my thoughts permanently into cyberspace, and maybe that empowers me because I am afraid of the unknown right now.

FRIDAY


       Everything I wish I never said...
       I feel naked,
       I let you look straight into my heart,
       Were u lying?
       I can't tell,
       Your heart was guarded,
       You let me think it was not,


       I feel used,
       And embarrassed,
       I told you my deepest feelings,
       Did u care?
       Were you lying?
       I can't tell...

People are so fragile. You can say something or do something that you didn't think was hurtful, but it really was. That's how I felt today. Fragile and hurt. I don't even think people realize when they hurt you. But you don't tell them usually, b/c you either end up fighting and become more hurt, or they just end up feeling horrible and making your relationship with them worse...

I feel like I'm too nice, too trusting, too understanding, but am I? I feel like I'm always helping ppl with their problems, and then when i go to them, I feel sick. Like I told them everything I wish I had kept to myself. Why do I tell them?

I just don't know why I let see right into my heart.

It's amazing how happy I was yesterday and how totally horrible I feel today.

I'm a busy bee...

I've been so busy lately, but in a good way...

If I'm not babysitting or showing my Australian family around(shopping with them, hiking)...which is all a lot by itself...

I'm making paper crane place cards (about 40...which takes forever) and I'm practicing songs on my violin for the wedding, practicing for weekly lessons(which is totally seperate music), and trying to write music for the band I'm starting with some friends...

And if I'm not doing that, with my free time(not much), I'm trying to reread the 5th Harry Potter book before the new one comes out(don't laugh) and I already reread the 4th...

And I still have to prepare speech pieces for school...which i have ready to order...just haven't gotten around to it...I nearly have my summer math packet done...and I read enough books for my ELA project...I just have to write it...

And I haven't had much time to hang with friends...but after all the family leaves, it's going to quiet down a whole lot...and I'm going to miss all of the excitement...however a rest will be nice...

I'm really excited...Jordan's sister is going to come over seas and visit...she's 17...but she wasn't going to come....and now she is!!! That'll be fun...

New words I learned in Aussi slang:


       pick-up truck: Ute
       bathroom: dunny
       dinner: tea
       breakfast: breakey

that's just a few...there's tons more...


       it's so much fun, everything...but the wedding is a lot of work...
       but I'm so happy...b/c I'm finally going to see my cousins...who I hardly ever see...everything is just overwhelming for me at the moment...my mind is completely scattered...

but that's b/c I'm so excited...

I'm completely content at the moment...just overwhelmed with excitement and everything...I'm just trying to soak all of it in...

don't think I make any sense...

We're just people. People who change and make mistakes, people who make other people feel bad, people who are kind, and understanding, people who are confused. We cannot help the way we are no matter how much we try to change, it's our human nature, and when we're caught off guard, we will do or say what we may not have meant, but may have felt at the time. And we cannot help it, we're people interacting with one another, bouncing energy off each other, fighting with each other, friends with one another. It doesn't make any sense to me why we do some of the stupd things we do... may be it's just the effect we have on one another, may be it's a chemical imbalance inside of our bodies, may be we are puppets of some odd, screwed-up theatre and a puppeteer is controlling our every move. And every time I'm reminded of how stupid a species we are, how all other animals seem to be able to find some sort of peace without bothering anyone else, I realize we're doomed, humans...we must disturb everything for our happiness, we must make everything ridiculously entertaining because we cannot be simple and polite, we must mess up everything, for the environment, for our peers, for ourselves, because humans were some weird mistake on the evolutionary tree, and humans are not smart in the sense that we will lead our world to its end...

And it's amazing to think everyone at one time was a beautiful,tiny speck of stardust, with no feeling or thought, or even a heartbeat to love or want anything...

I don't understand what gave that piece of stardust the motivation to turn into us...

And I Ponder...


       No.
       I am not switching over.

Just rambling in here for tonight...


       
       I'm having a hard time again.
       The same feeling as last year.


       Sinking...
       Falling...
       Flailing...


       
       This feeling is now accompanied by an urge...a need...
       I can not explain it other than that.
       It's a feeling that strikes into the very center of me.


       Break will be good...
       people will be gone.
       I think I need that break for a bit.

And at the same time I so desperately want to be visited by people when I'm at work tomorrow. I want my phone to ring. I want someone to IM me right now. I want to wake up to messages tomorrow morning. I want to rent movies and cuddle. I want to cook dinners. I want to throw parties. I want to go to parties.

and i just want to curl up alone

Paradox. My life has been filled with them lately.


       
       I miss my mom.


       
       
       
       
       so much.

Wild Thoughts...


       My thoughts are dangerous.
       Incoherency at its best really.
       I don't know where they come from lately.
       There is this surge of idyllic prose within me.
       Create something. I can't.
       It doesn't flow together and my mind doesn't want to work for it.
       So I put them here.


       I want moonlight dancing on my skin. I need the warm cool blue to illuminate my pale skin. There is something incredible about it that I cannot articulate. I simply think of it as magic, mystical and mysterious magic. My senses are alive at the very moment it begins, and I fall into the most miraculously peaceful sleep. I want it. I want it often.
       I don't know why I do...


       Comfort in silence. Is it possible to have a comfortable silence while surrounded by noise? Obviously I'm not speaking literally. One can be silent in a room full of noise and feel fine. But can one experience silence while never actually being silent? Can the silence be constantly interrupted by the parties involved and it still remain in tact?
       I see the thought written out and realize it doesn't make sense. I'm using the word silence to replace another word...but what is that other word? Why can't I find it, is there even a word for it at all?


       You meet someone, there is some connection, and you want to be engulfed by them. You want to swallow them and have them swallow you. Exchange knowledge, emotions, ideas, thoughts, dreams...
       It rarely happens. Connections like that are hard to find...following up on them seems almost impossible. So there are blurbs that occur in life...happy blurbs, what if blurbs, torturous blurbs, easily forgotten blurbs. After all they are just blurbs.
       Perhaps it only occurs in my head, my mind, my thoughts, my life.


       I didn't think I was like a girl until recently. I thought like a guy...or so I believed. I have turned into a mess. I cannot believe some of the thought processes I have. I hate them.
       I don't claim to understand men. I don't think they understand me. But I expect him to. It's unfair and stupid.


       Unarticulate...
       I can't put my finger on the rest of these floating sentences in my mind.

Incoherancy...Unarticulate...Wild Thoughts...

Why am I posting this here?